This will be my very fist blog here in PS, so please do bare with me. Now, please do not be mislead by my title, as this is not a blog to tell you what real courage is, rather a self-searching tool that I would like to use with your help.

Growing up in Manila to my very early 20's, courage has always been fuzzy to me. I never really knew what real courage is. Don't get me wrong, I had an idea, but I never did really know what it is. Confusing? Let me expound. Being surrounded at a very young age by friends who are active members of fraternities (I am one of the youngest in our barkada) I was given this image of someone who is courageous because he can fend off anyone who gets in his way. However, this is overruled by what is taught both in church and in school, that courage is more spiritual than physical. So my friends gave me the picture, while the church and school gave me the idea. Truly, two contrasting thoughts, thus, making me confused as to what it is.

Now, let's fast-forward a few years later. Let's forward to the present. I recently found myself in a heated argument with college students in a cinema parking lot. Me and my pregnant wife were coming out from the cinema about to go home and saw that this raised pick-up truck was 5 inches away from my car, thus, making it difficult for anyone to ride the car on the passenger-side. What makes it worse is that there is no car on the truck's right-hand side. So to me, being a logical and rational being thought that it was stupid to park so close to my car. I saw that four guys were at the truck's bed, and I had to sarcastically utter to them that they can park nearer next time. I was slowly driving off but the hot-headed teens to their early 20's needed to have the last words. Profanity blew up in the air. I was so furious, and it didn't help that one of the guys was taunting me to drive back and come down the car. I rolled down my windows and started the bickering again. Then I looked to my wife who had a concerned look on her face. So I flipped them off and finally drove away.

The anger was eating me alive; eating me still to this moment as I write this blog. The younger, carefree side of me regretted the fact that I didn't go down and showed them "who's the man." I regretted the fact that I don't have a metal pipe in my car which I used to have in my car in Manila. I regretted the fact that I don't have a gun. However, the wiser, more mature part of me gave me reason and rationality that it's useless to prove something that will never be proven. It could've even led to someone getting hurt; or worse me getting hurt and leaving my son and pregnant wife with an incarcerated, if not dead, father and husband.

So now, as I close this blog entry, tell me this, with my belief of courage is beyond physical just an excuse for "sissy-ness"? Tell me, was I merely afraid and made my wife an excuse for not going back down the car? Was I afraid for my family or merely just for me? Lastly, tell me whether bravado and machismo is more important than self-preservation. I know this blog turned out to be more of an outlet of my recent frustration, and that the story is shallow. However, I don't think that I am the only one who goes or went through this in his or her life. So my friend, tell me, what is real courage?